Cabinet Leaks – a Cunning Plan

In her office in The Lodge, the Hon. Julia Gillard is distractedly eating her breakfast at her desk, casting anxious looks occasionally out the window; clearly, she is impatiently waiting for something.  On the other side of the room, a nervous private secretary awaits instructions.  Her leman rushes in with an armful of newspapers.

Ms Julia Gillard:  Ah, the papers at last, Timmy.  There’s a good boy.  Would you like a treat, Timmy?
Timmy:  Umm, yum.  Did Timmy do good?
Julia Gillard:  Yes, Timmy, you did well.  Off you go.  I mean, go, now!  No, don’t pee on the floor; leave the room!
Ms Julia Gillard:  Right.  I had a cunning plan to stop cabinet leaks—or, at least, to discover which treacherous rat is leaking—and told Combet, Macklin, Shorten, Plibersek, Crean, Swan and Wong in confidence that I’d call a leadership spill next week; but—and here’s the really clever bit, which I did not get from McNasty, mind—I secretly told each of them individually that the vote would be held on a different day!  Ha!  I said, “on a different day!”
Private Secretary:  What? Oh, sorry.  Yes, very clever, Prime Minister.
Ms Julia Gillard:  Anyway, what does The Courier Mail say? 
Private Secretary:  “Rattled PM calls leadership ballot on Wednesday.”
Ms Julia Gillard:  Bloody Swan!  What does The Herald Sun say? 
Private Secretary:  “Embattled PM calls leadership ballot on Tuesday.”
Ms Julia Gillard:  Bloody Crean!  He’s next.  What does The Age say?
Private Secretary:  “Surprise vote call from brave PM next week.”
Ms Julia Gillard:  Well, that’s much better.  Good old Michelle.  What else does The Age say?
Private Secretary:  “Our resilient PM, in a show of strength, has called for a series of leadership ballots on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday as well as Sunday.”

Miscellaneous Transcriptions, Nº 2 – the Decisive President

(from weaklylips)

Transcript of a conversation in the Oval Office, 
Tuesday, 28 April, 2011:

Senior Adviser 1:  Here, Mr. President, are three options wherewith we can terminate or capture Osama bin Laden, but we do not advocate either Option One or Three. May I assume that you have no need to read them? 
Pres. Obama:  Quite right; I was elected to lead, not to read! I choose Number One.

Senior Adviser 2:  Mr. President, Option One involves seeking the participation of the Pakistanis; but, since we suspect that some very senior figures in the Military and Government have been helping to hide OBL for years, we included that option only to allow the appearance of your making a choice.
Pres. Obama:  All right then, Number Three! 
Senior Adviser 1:  Mr. President, we don’t recommend the third option.  Option Three involves our bombing the compound wherein Obama— 
Senior Adviser 2:   Osama— 
Senior Adviser 1:   sorry, wherein Osama, dwells, and there is no way of knowing for certain afterwards that we have killed Obama, sorry, Mr. President, I mean Osama—gee, I’m always making that slip, for some strange reason—anyway, with all the destruction effected by a successful bombing mission, we’d likely have no firm proof of having killed Obama, um, of having killed bin Laden, I mean. Plus, he could yet escape. Furthermore, we could kill dozens or scores of civilians unnecessarily.
 
Pres. Obama:  Four, then!
 
Senior Adviser 2:  Mr. President, there is no Option Four. Halve it. 
Pres. Obama:  Five!
 
Senior Adviser 1:  No Five. 
Pres. Obama:   One!

Senior Adviser 2:  Add one—
Pres. Obama:  Two? 
Senior Adviser 1:  As you wish, Mr. President. We thank you for your wise and unparalleled leadership. 
Senior Adviser 2:   Oh, one final clarification, Mr. President. Option Two sends an assault team of SEALs to “kill or capture” OBL: do we emphasise kill or capture? 
Pres. Obama:  Um—

[Minutes pass.]

Pres. Obama:  I’m inclined to say, Yes.  Or, rather, No.  Actually, Yes. 
Senior Adviser 1:  Ah, right. Yes, it is.  Thank you, Mr. President.