“Where’s the Wascally Warming?”

A transcript of the Climate Council’s search for hidden global warming.

In his well-appointed office, the very silly Prof. Tim Flannery is becoming more and more frustrated.

Prof. Tim Flannery:  Warming? I know you’re somewhere, Global Warming; please stop hiding.  Warming?  Where are you?  All right, warming, we’ve had our fun, but it’s time to stop hiding now.  Are you there?  Look, I’ve had enough of this, so I’m going now.  [He walks to his door noisily.]  This is the sound of my leaving.  Yes, I’m heading out the door right now.  [He slams the door.]  Okay, everyone’s gone now.  You can come out now.  HEY!  Look, it’s no use pretending you’re not here because I know you exist—or, more to the point, I’ve been telling anyone who might send me a bob or two that you exist.  [He whistles.]  Here, Warming!  Warming?  COME ON, WARMING!  WARMING, COME OUT RIGHT NOW OR I’LL GET MIGHTY ANGRY WITH YOU!  Oh, please stop hiding.  Are you in the thermosphere?  Are you concealed by those pesky, democratic ants?  Are you, perhaps, under— [he lifts his couch] THIS COUCH?  Are you in my wallet?  No.  Are you there at all, Global Warming?  Please, I know you’re here somewhere!  Answer me!

Prof. Will Steffen:  [from behind an armchair]  I’m in the deep oceans!

Prof. Tim Flannery:  Warming? I knew you existed!  Hey, wait a bit; you sounded just a little like my fellow propagandist of climate doom, Will Steffen.  Was that you, Will?

Prof. Will Steffen:  [giggling]  Not at all!

Prof. Tim Flannery:  So it really is you, Global Warming? Proof at last!  Hang on, if you’re hiding in the deep oceans I shouldn’t be able to hear you—  [Flannery sees Steffen crouching behind the chair.]  What?  Professor, I have better things to do than play games; I’m going away!  [Flannery stomps to the door, slams it shut without leaving, tiptoes over to his desk, and crouches down under it.]

Prof. Will Steffen:  [rising slowly]  Oh, I so wanted to find Global Warming too.  I hope that I didn’t hurt Tim’s feelings; not that it matters, of course, because, frankly, he’s a bit of a loony cove.  I do wonder where Global Warming is sequestered or secreted or lying low.  Hallo?  Global Warming, it’s no use hiding because I can see you!  Come out, come out, wherever you are!  Can you hear me?  Are you in this room, Global Warming? 

Prof. Tim Flannery:  [giggling]  No!  I’m not!
Prof. Will Steffen:  Oh, darn; I’ll have to look somewhere else then.  [Steffen exits.]

UPDATE (16 October):  meanwhile, throughout the land, followers of the two silly but greedy professors have gullibly accepted those duplicitous propagandists’ pseudo-scientific, fallacious, self-serving arguments, and foolishly expect to rely on giant-whirligigs for their power in the future:

A Land of Severer Severities

Unless We Tax Our Air 

No coolth within, no rain without,
Will Steffen ever has no doubt:
a long dry spell could soon spell drought
unless we tax our air.

At last, however, ceaseless rain
would flood each dusty, wide, brown plain
and some would not see land again
unless we tax our air.

Whatever happens, he will say,
might expedite a dismal day
of floods or droughts or much dismay
unless we tax our air.

Consensus and authorities
agree with him, and he agrees
with them that none would be at ease
unless we tax our air.

All Steffen’s chums have guaranteed
more “greenhouse” gases antecede
great warming (which may come with speed)
unless we tax our air.

In warmists’ wild imaginings
some slightly warmer weather brings
severer storms and spooky things
unless we tax our air.

Severer the severities,
among eternal verities,
there will be no prosperities
unless we tax our air.

Will Steffen is a man of clout
so we must heed each mighty shout:
“Floods might cause floods, drought could bring drought,
unless we tax our air!”

Prof. Will Steffen, a silly, duplicitous fellow, but a Climate Commissioner, asserts that, “Extended dry periods are expected to increase in southwest and southeast Australia by the end of this century, increasing the risk of drought.”  See “Droughts May Lead to Droughts”.

UPDATE I:  added what are now the fifth and sixth stanzas. 

UPDATE II:  added this:

They claim it’s from a peer-review:
there is but one thing we can do
to save us from the C-O-2
which dissipates from stack or flue
and wickedly turns skies into
a dreadful, sickly, evil hue,
and leaves a nasty residue
which makes each fluffy kitten spew
or forces herbivores to chew
on cuddly bunnies; far too few
have recognised what must ensue
if we don’t pay attention to
Will Steffen and his crazy crew
(such as his boss, the Flamster, who
predicted ruin, overdue,
for cities which would have to queue
for drinking water—quite untrue);
they ever seek more revenue
and try to make each person rue
the day one lit a barbecue
or drove a car or rode or flew
towards a far-off rendezvous);
they say that mankind’s down the loo—
in other words, we’re in deep poo—
unless we tax our air.

UPDATE III: added what is now the seventh stanza.

UPDATE IV (14 July, 2013):  see “A Change Is in the Air”.