Finally, the ABC Reports a Disaster

Even the ABC, occasionally, can discern a calamity.

A boat at sea, in the middle of a bright, calm day, with high visibility and perfect conditions for sailing, has steamed headlong into an iceberg; gradually, more and more people realise that something is amiss:-

ABC Journalist:  … and, in conclusion, we must ask what rôle the owner of the competing shipping line has been playing in wickedly listening to insinuations that our wonderful captain failed to qualify for a master’s certificate more that seventeen years ago.  Nonetheless, despite baseless smears, everything is going swimmingly on this wonderful voyage.  Well, I shall sign off now … wait, something is happening; here’s the captain being hounded by some hysterical passenger— 

Passenger:  Is this boat sinking?

Captain:  No.  Never.  Not at all.  And I haven’t touched a drop of this whisky, which I just happened to pick up as I walked past the, um, the wheel thingy over there.  Anyway, I have given you my answer.  No enquiry has ever suggested that I drink to excess.  I shall add nothing further.  I’ve done nothing wrong.

ABC Journalist:  As if we were sinking!  Typical nut-job.  This captain is doing a wonderful job!  And she’s a woman!  You ought to talk instead about the worrying infrequency of iceberg sightings because of a dangerously over-heating world. 

Passenger:  But there’s water gushing everywhere, and we’re listing.  Are you sure we’re safe?

Captain:  Please return to your cabins. Nothing is wrong. I have dealt with this issue, and only vexatious loonies are still discussing this ancient history.

Another Passenger:  I say, are you drunk?

Captain:  I shall not dignify that question with an answer but I refer you to my previous response.

News Reporter:  What’s with all this water?  Are we sinking?
ABC Journalist: Typical nut job! Misogynist! You heard the captain, people, things are fine.  Stop hounding her! She’s done nothing wrong; she said so herself!

Passenger:  Well, I think we’re sinking, and I’m off into a lifeboat whether you like it or not. 
News Reporter:  Sir, I’ll come with you, if I may; I’d like some evidence for your allegations—

Another Passenger:  Look, even the rats are leaving, and so am I.

ABC Journalist:  Typical nut job. We aren’t sinking, are we, Captain?

Captain: Well, of course, no; I’m sure the ship leans over for no reason occasionally.  I did nothing wrong.  You’ll find nothing in writing.  I refer you to my extensive previous answers wherein I dealt with all these false allegations.  I shall sue those who defame me!

ABC Journalist: Isn’t this typical of ill-informed, misogynist nut-jobs?  And aren’t you vexed by fools who question your competence by making such hysterical claims?  Hell, my feet are wet.  We aren’t in any danger are we, Captain?

Captain:  Surely not.  Anyway, um, look, I must be going to, ah, fix something or rather—

Purser:  You, the ship is sinking fast.  Why are you still here?  Everyone else has left.  To the last lifeboat!

ABC Journalist:  Tragic catastrophe!  For some inexplicable reason—right-wing misogynists, some might say, could have sabotaged something important—the ship is now sinking; you heard it first here on our ABC!  The passengers and the crew, undoubtedly, and, perhaps, even the captain may have some questions to answer.