all right

Occasionally adding corroborative details to add verisimilitude to otherwise bald and unconvincing,
but veridicous accounts
with careful attention, indefatigable assiduity, and nice discrimination.

22 November, 2012

Finally, the ABC Reports a Disaster

Even the ABC, occasionally, can discern a calamity.

A boat at sea, in the middle of a bright, calm day, with high visibility and perfect conditions for sailing, has steamed headlong into an iceberg; gradually, more and more people realise that something is amiss:-
ABC Journalist:  … and, in conclusion, we must ask what rôle the owner of the competing shipping line has been playing in wickedly listening to insinuations that our wonderful captain failed to qualify for a master’s certificate more that seventeen years ago.  Nonetheless, despite baseless smears, everything is going swimmingly on this wonderful voyage.  Well, I shall sign off now … wait, something is happening; here’s the captain being hounded by some hysterical passenger— 
Passenger:  Is this boat sinking?
Captain:  No.  Never.  Not at all.  And I haven’t touched a drop of this whisky, which I just happened to pick up as I walked past the, um, the wheel thingy over there.  Anyway, I have given you my answer.  No enquiry has ever suggested that I drink to excess.  I shall add nothing further.  I’ve done nothing wrong.
ABC Journalist:  As if we were sinking!  Typical nut-job.  This captain is doing a wonderful job!  And she’s a woman!  You ought to talk instead about the worrying infrequency of iceberg sightings because of a dangerously over-heating world. 
Passenger:  But there’s water gushing everywhere, and we’re listing.  Are you sure we’re safe?
Captain:  Please return to your cabins. Nothing is wrong. I have dealt with this issue, and only vexatious loonies are still discussing this ancient history.
Another Passenger:  I say, are you drunk?
Captain:  I shall not dignify that question with an answer but I refer you to my previous response.
News Reporter:  What’s with all this water?  Are we sinking?
ABC Journalist: Typical nut job! Misogynist! You heard the captain, people, things are fine.  Stop hounding her! She’s done nothing wrong; she said so herself!
Passenger:  Well, I think we’re sinking, and I’m off into a lifeboat whether you like it or not. 
News Reporter:  Sir, I’ll come with you, if I may; I’d like some evidence for your allegations—
Another Passenger:  Look, even the rats are leaving, and so am I.
ABC Journalist:  Typical nut job. We aren’t sinking, are we, Captain?
Captain: Well, of course, no; I’m sure the ship leans over for no reason occasionally.  I did nothing wrong.  You’ll find nothing in writing.  I refer you to my extensive previous answers wherein I dealt with all these false allegations.  I shall sue those who defame me!
ABC Journalist: Isn’t this typical of ill-informed, misogynist nut-jobs?  And aren’t you vexed by fools who question your competence by making such hysterical claims?  Hell, my feet are wet.  We aren’t in any danger are we, Captain?
Captain:  Surely not.  Anyway, um, look, I must be going to, ah, fix something or rather—
Purser:  You, the ship is sinking fast.  Why are you still here?  Everyone else has left.  To the last lifeboat!
ABC Journalist:  Tragic catastrophe!  For some inexplicable reason—right-wing misogynists, some might say, could have sabotaged something important—the ship is now sinking; you heard it first here on our ABC!  The passengers and the crew, undoubtedly, and, perhaps, even the captain may have some questions to answer.

1 comment:

Bh said...

Ha ha, too funny!