Pets for Warmth

Wearing a Boa?

The best counsel yet

from the Government: for warmth,

snuggle with a pet.*

That helpful advice

might not be so great if you

keep only some mice;

furthermore, I wish

people would ignore that tip

with tropical fish

and I should not take

such governmental guidance

if I had a snake— 

Tassy’s Copperheads

or Tiger Snakes aren’t prescribed

for sofas or beds.

Nonetheless, if I

want to procure a warm dog,

which is best to buy?

I have read, you see,

that dogs’ emissions are worse

than an SUV.† 

Still, I must say that

my favoured chum would be an

insulation bat.

*  from Living Greener’s Top tips for living greener this winter, “To reduce the energy you use while watching TV, take another tip from grandma and share the warmth.  Snuggle up under a rug, snuggle with your family or cuddle your favourite pet.”

†  in “Want to warm up? Try a pet blanket”, Gemma Jones of The Daily Telegraph reports, “New Zealand architects Robert and Brenda Vale calculated a medium-sized dog had twice the emissions of a 4WD once the amount of land required to feed the pet was taken into account.”

Wouldn’t Greens deplore
the environmental cost
of a carnivore?

What of animal rights?  Have they no say?  See The Parliament of Beasts.

One might, perhaps, keep
fine, wooly, warm wether friends,
like merino sheep,

or search well for a
rarer source of wool, like the
long-haired angora.

Enough, though, of such
beast-related fun, I say;
this is all too much:

I  abhor—like most—
hot, blanket statements, but this
Government is toast.

UPDATE I: At Tim Blair’s ’blog, a commenter, Mr. Simmon, suggests that our benevolent Government might provide teams to furnish gloves and instructions for those with scratchier pets; I responded thereto:

 
Sheep, look upon wolves,
so be as wise as serpents,
as harmless as doves!

I’d prefer cats’s claws
to this mob’s incompetence.
Beware burning gloves!

UPDATE II (31 July):  Living Greener’s Top tips for living greener this winter has been rewritten; instead of cuddling a pet, the site now recommends, “To reduce the energy you use while watching TV, use a blanket before turning up the heat.”  So, instead of cuddling your chameleon or nuzzling your newt, put another log on the fire or give the radiator a little more power—but only after grabbing a blanket.