all right

Occasionally adding corroborative details to add verisimilitude to otherwise bald and unconvincing,
but veridicous accounts
with careful attention, indefatigable assiduity, and nice discrimination.

30 October, 2012

Craig Thomson Never Slept with Prostitutes

(from weaklywhips)
Transcript of a recent conversation between a lawyer and his client:

Chris McArdle:  Right, Craig, I understand that you have maintained your right to remain silent.  That’s good.  Now, you will say that you’re innocent won’t you?  Craig? 
Craig Thomson:  I refuse to comment.
Chris McArdle:  No, that’s what you say to the rozzers.  I’m your lawyer; you may talk to me, by which I mean you must talk to me, all right?
Craig Thomson:  Oh, all right.
Chris McArdle:  So, if you tell me me that you’re innocent then I, as your lawyer, will of course believe you.
Craig Thomson:  Umm.
Chris McArdleI am obliged to believe that you’re innocent if you say “I am innocent”, right?
Craig ThomsonOh, yes, I am innocent.
Chris McArdle:  Now, have you said anything at all to the cops? 
Craig Thomson:  No, I said nothing.  Isn’t that what innocent people usually do?
Chris McArdle: Well, when innocent people are unjustly accused of crimes they didn’t commit and want to clear their names, they usually … I mean, yes, you did the right thing.
Craig Thomson:  Good.
Chris McArdle:  Now, will the wallopers find anything incriminating in all the papers they seized today? 
Craig Thomson:  No, I destroyed anything remotely suspect years ago.
Chris McArdle:  All right, then.  Now, about these escort services which you’re accused of using.
Craig Thomson:  I never slept with a prostitute.
Chris McArdle:  I’m sure you never did.  However, you did approve the records of transactions when they were shewn to you?

Craig Thomson:  Yes.
Chris McArdle:  But you never questioned their legitimacy officially?

Craig Thomson:  No.
Chris McArdle:  And when you realised that they were payments for escorts, you were shocked?

Craig Thomson:  No.  What?  Is your eye sore?  You keep winking, and—
Chris McArdle:  You know, you might find this easier if you just said, “That’s right” to all my questions.  When you realised that the said transactions were payments for escorts, you were shocked?
Craig Thomson:  That’s right, I was shocked.  I said that it must have been someone else who copied my credit-cards, faked my signature, and somehow borrowed my driver’s licence and then, each time, surreptitiously replaced it in my wallet so that I didn’t know it had been missing.  I must’ve been framed.  I was set up, I tell you.
Chris McArdle:  Right, and did you report this clear case of fraud to anybody at the time?

Craig Thomson:  No.  Hey, does a lawyer have to tell anyone when he learns of a fraud?
Chris McArdle:  Not if frauds are committed by Labor MPs or one of our union leaders; I’m a Labor lawyer, Craig.  Anyway, back on topic, did you tell anyone when you realised that you’d “been framed”?
Craig Thomson:  I think I told some journalists.  Listen, don’t mention the whore! I mentioned her once, but I think I got away with it all right.  Heigh-ho!  Hey?  Fawlty Towers?  Sorry.
Chris McArdle:  And you maintain that you have never slept with prostitutes? 
Craig Thomson:  That’s right, I have never slept with prostitutes.
Chris McArdle:  And you have never paid for the services of prostitutes? 
Craig ThomsonI have never slept with prostitutes.  I also have a law degree!  Hey, wouldn’t it be a better use of resources to hire a hooker rather than a lawyer?  After all, a hooker’s much more likely to get me off!  Eh?  Get me off?
Chris McArdle:  So, in relation to these alleged transactions, you’ve never used Hostess Services? 
Craig Thomson:  Ah, they have some girls who will do … I mean, no.  Though it might have been there that I picked up that dose of … no.  Absolutely not, no.  Not even last time.  Never.
Chris McArdleAnd you never knew of Room Service Escorts? 
Craig ThomsonLovely girls!  They’re a bit pricey there, but they will … I mean, no, never.
Chris McArdle:  Touch of Class?  Are you right?  A Touch of Class?
Craig ThomsonLolita, light of my life, fire of … mate, if you pay a little extra, and you … sorry, no.
Chris McArdle:  Tffany Girls? 
Craig Thomson:  In Surry Hills?  Not even on half-price Tuesdays.  Never.  That’s right, never.
Chris McArdle:  There are no other escort services which may be revealed in time?
Craig ThomsonLet’s see, there are … I do wish you’d stop shaking your … no, none, not at all. 
Chris McArdle:  You are completely innocent, and know nothing, right? 
Craig Thomson:  I am completely innocent, and know nothing.
Chris McArdle:  Right, you keep saying nothing.  I’ll go and blame everything on Tony Abbott.

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